20 Questions You Should Never Ask in Class

1. I know you said that this wouldn’t be included on the exam, but [INSERT ANYTHING HERE].

2. Yes, but would these principles still hold true if humans existed in a vacuum in outer space and there was no such thing as linear time or reality?

3. Before I jump into the recurring motifs in Emily Dickinson’s poetry, can someone tell me if the tribal tattoo on my lower back looks infected?

4. Is our textbook missing a chapter? I couldn’t find the part where it explains that the Holocaust was all just a hilarious hoax.

5. Aren’t we just cheating ourselves in the long run if we all don’t read The Brothers Karamazov in its native Russian?

6. Could I make my final project about how all of this “Introduction to Physics” stuff is kind of like Twitter?

7. This is a little off topic, but could we safely say that we have now officially entered the post-post-post-modern age?

8. Would you mind elaborating a bit more on the critical response to the homosexual undercurrents of Hitchcock’s earlier films? Also, what the fuck is a homosexual?

9. How come we’re not reading any J.K. Rowling? Isn’t this Classics of American Literature?

10. Just a thought, professor: what if, instead of watching the film adaptation of the book, we all read the screenplay instead? My fiancée and I found it to be much truer to the central themes of the original work. Wouldn’t you agree?

11. Can everyone see that I’m taking my notes on my iPad? Just wanted to make sure everyone sees that I take notes on my iPad.

12. Does anyone here object if my dad and I are live vlogging this lecture?

13. Do you want us to print our names on the quiz or sign them in cursive? I also have a stamp.

14. Can everyone look under their desks real quick? I can’t find my toenail clippings.

15. Is it just me, or is this class a little, shall we say, “darker” than might be preferred?

16. Could we turn off the air conditioning? Having a little trouble appreciating the natural pheromones radiating from these vivacious youngsters in here.

17. Do you offer extensions for students who know they’ll be pretty busy euthanizing dogs this semester?

18. Am I going crazy, or is everyone in this classroom quietly imagining what it would be like to dry hump me on a pile of money right now?

19. Anyone have a breast pump I can borrow?

20. Why. Teacher. No. Like. Robot. Voice? Can. Not. Compute.